Sexist Paranoia

I was not a popular kid in Jr. High and High School, so I was used to ignoring particular kinds of attention. However, as I grew into a tall, thin, and dare I say attractive young woman (despite my humongous glasses) I continued to receive attention when out in public. Some women might have been offended, others might have felt proud, but I always assumed that it was mockery and not meant as any kind of flattery (sexist or otherwise).

He's content; she's defensive. Oi!

Perhaps these experiences have shaped too much of my perspective as an adult. I often find myself defensive, even just in my mind, when I pass by men of any age, race, or size. I put up a wall and often unfairly demonize those men without any basis other than my own paranoia. Case in point. Several months ago, my husband and I were on our way to a party at a friend's house. Everyone was to bring their favorite Chinese food, so I was waiting in the car as my husband ran in to pick up our order at our neighborhood Chinese restaurant. I was messing with my phone (as is generally the case) when a car pulled into the parking space on my side of the vehicle. I noticed it, but didn't really note it. The driver exited the car, walked up to the curb and then stopped and stared into our car for a moment. This is when I really started to take notice. Immediately, I started to get defensive and began intentionally ignoring the individual who I now gathered enough evidence to conclude was a man. He then began to walk towards me and stood next to my window! I could not believe it. In my mind, I was generating terse responses and making harsh assumptions about this guy and his intentions. As I saw he wasn't moving on, I finally turned towards him and realized... he was our friend! He was on his way to the same party and needed to pick up his own Chinese food. I laughed, rolled down the window, and we chatted before he ran inside to pick up his own order. I felt like such a jerk.

Months later, I was again in the car with my husband. He needed to pick up gas and so stopped at his normal filling station. It's a large station with three rows of pumps, each with four pumps per side. At the moment, it was completely empty. My husband unhesitatingly went to the row closest to the store and the first pump in the row, which happened to be right next to a lone female attendant. I was immediately on edge and questioned his choice. He just looked at me inquisitively and said, "I always use pump #1." Ah, the logic of it. I, on the other hand, was imagining this lone female attendant working near one of 12 pairs of pumps and this man just happened to choose the one right next to her. I said that, if I was her, I would be completely on guard right now. I would have never chosen that pump because I wouldn't want that woman to feel uncomfortable; but he stood by his logic.

Maybe you'd like to weigh in on the issue, but I couldn't help from opening my yap on this issue. I'm sure I'm not alone in this perspective, but perhaps it isn't the right one to have. Am I paranoid? Perhaps. Is he oblivious? Perhaps. Will it make for good brain food? I guess we'll see.